


Oh My God, I can't believe it (I've never been this far away from home)

by Queer_Queen



Series: St. Trinian's/Kingsman Crossovers [1]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015), St Trinian's (2007)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen, Kid Eggsy, Kid Fic, Posh Totties, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-03-29 18:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3906514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queer_Queen/pseuds/Queer_Queen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michelle Unwin is a St. Trinian's girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How St. Trinian's girls react when you tell them they're spouses are dead but not how, why, or who to kill because of it

**Author's Note:**

> Looking for a Beta. Message or comment for details.

_Oh my god,_

_I can’t believe it,_

_I’ve never been this far away from home._

Michelle was not someone anyone could expect, anticipate or predict. This was probably what drew Lee Unwin to her. She had this air about her that he had never experienced before, and being a former Marine that is not something he said lightly.

The day they met the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the buns at Mrs. Brown’s were half price and all together it was a really nice day. Later Lee realized that it was some kind of omen on his life with Michelle. He had been meandering down the road with his still-warm bun, minding his own business, when he saw her. And she took his breath away.

She was absolutely gorgeous, with a heart shaped face, long legs and beautiful red lips. Her hair looked like golden honey and her smile seemed to light up the whole street. She walked like she owned the world and she was walking towards him. He had steeled himself, hoping to make a good impression, and walked right into a street lamp.

_Oh my god,_

_I can’t believe it,_

_I’ve never been this far away from home._

Michelle Unwin nee Womack former queen of the Posh Totties could say she was a bit surprised with her deal in life. Instead of marrying any number of rich boyfriends she had over the years she instead married a discharged marine. Instead of living as a trophy wife, like her friends currently were, she lived in a comfortable middle class home with a very hot husband (something she hadn’t been expecting) and a gorgeous little son that she loved to bits. Surprising. But not altogether unexpected, she was always a bit of a romantic at heart in the way the other girls had never been.

She kept in contact with them of course, and they were there for her wedding (which she helped pay for, which was again something she hadn’t been expecting) and the birth of their son and while surprised were supportive. That was the thing about St. Trinian’s it brought young girls together and then kept them together, as well as creating the next generation of female leaders, spies and creative minds.

Lee was currently out on a job, he said that he wanted to get them somewhere better, buy a bigger house for them and more clothes, make them more comfortable. He was so sweet. But if she had wanted a bigger house and more clothes she would have married Carlos, or Stephan, or Eugene. Michelle had her baby boy, Gary, or Eggsy as Lee called him, a beautiful husband, a nice house and a walk in closet. She was content.

“Mummy, whatchya doin’?”

Looks like the little tyke had finally broken. He’d been watching her for better part of the afternoon, hoping she would tell him but not wanting to ask, after all, he was a big boy now and didn’t need to ask questions. Michelle needed to break Lee of the habit of telling Eggsy what big boys did and didn’t do.

“Eggsy, it’s ‘what are you doing?’.” Heaven help Lee if her son didn’t have a proper English accent.

“Mummy, what are you doing?”

Michelle beamed at her son who smiled back, thank god he had inherited her dimples, “Good boy Eggsy, and I’m going work. I’ll be done in a moment.” As she said this she skimmed another thousand off biGdick219’s bank account, hey no one ever said that just because she didn’t marry a billionaire didn’t mean she wasn't going to have the comfortable support net of a billionaire's wife (and by that she meant pre-nup agreement, except no way in hell would Lee every divorce her, they were too perfect for that).

Eggsy lipped wobbled, “But I wanna see.”

She shook her head and closed her computer, “Maybe when you’re older sweetheart.” And to fend off the pending tantrum, “Let’s go make some cookies, okay?”

Hoisting her baby boy onto her hip Michelle left her closet, making sure to lock it after her. After all, can’t be too careful what with Stiletto heels, money laundering schemes, arsenic (which was on the top shelf next to the deathly nightshade, don’t worry) and little six year olds.

_Oh my god,_

_I can’t believe it,_

_I’ve never been this far away from home._

So everything had been amazing. Than Mr. Arsehole in last year’s Armani tie and suit combo came up to the door and told her that her Lee was dead. Well then. That was unexpected.

After sending Eggsy to his room she brought Mr. Arsehole to the kitchen to have a severe talking to. Not that he didn’t protest. “This is a right mess this is.” As she spoke she made tea, Mr. Arsehole standing awkwardly behind her. “My Lee is dead and you can’t tell me a thing about it, can ya?” She pulled out the special mug and stirred in the milk before setting it in front of her ‘guest’.

“Apologies Mrs. Unwin, but the nature of Lee’s mission really is top secret.”

“Yeah, so?” He wasn’t drinking his tea. Did he know?

“So the public is not allowed to know.”

“Well I ain’t the public am I, I’m his wife aren’t I.”

She reached for her tea, taking a calming sip, and after she drank he drank as well. Meaning he didn’t know. Good.

“These are national secrets Miss Unwin and –” but before he could finish his sentence his face went blank and he collapsed forward. Onto his smug little face.

(Far away Merlin of Kingsman panicked as their top operative, Harry Hart aka Galahad, went down on a simple ‘we’re sorry your husband died’ mission. The rest of the IT division quickly followed suit.)

She smiled slightly. Even if she wasn’t a Geek she still slept next to one, and sometimes with one, but that was another time and place. In quick efficient moves she turned hog tied him and moved out of the kitchen.

“Eggsy! Come here.”

She heard the rush of little feet as Eggsy moved from his hiding spot. “Why did you speak like that mummy?”

Of course he focused on the accent, why couldn’t he have freaked out about her drugging Mr. Arsehole. “Not all girls and boys are born with a lovely accent like you were Eggsy. I had to learn mine.” As she said this she moved through her closet pulling out her favorite Louis Vuitton suitcase set, “Now Eggsy,” she turned to see her son who still looked a bit shocked about her accent, “Go grab your favorite things, we’re going to go stay with a friend of your mum’s.”

With her son preoccupied probably choosing with toy dog he wanted to bring more she settled packing her shoe collecting and money laundering devices. And then packed all of her ‘Casual’ clothes (which of course were nothing below three figures). By the time she was finished five suit cases were filled. Grabbing the spare she moved to her son’s room.

By the time they were packed and ready forty five minutes had passed, and Mr. Arsehole’s team would be leaving soon.

On her final load of things to the car she glanced at Mr. Arsehole who was currently off his head on St. Trinian’s best Trinski Vodka hopefully he would have a heart attack. Arsehole. Pulling her Lee into some paramilitary bull and forcing her to drop her life and go hide. 

She stepped forward to give him a good kick in the face but the scamper of Eggsy’s little squeaky sheos came up behind her and she stopped herself. Smiling at her little boy with his cute little ballerina shirt and dinosaur baseball hat she nodded toward the door.

“Why don’t you go put your bags in the car, love?”

He nodded and moved off, mummy’s little boy through and through.

Her anger had rattled off so instead of kicking him in the face she vindictively crouched and grabbed his glasses before moving to the kitchen window and throwing them into Mr. and Mr. Smith’s compost heap. Serves the old bugger right.

With practiced ease she strode to her Audi and put the rest of her bags in the boot before strapping Eggsy in and sliding into the driver’s seat. The hum of the engine was lovely and she pulled out Lily Allen’s “Oh My God” clicked on. How appropriate.

As they approached the highway Michelle spoke for the first time since they got in the car. “Want to see Mummy’s school?”

_Oh my god,_

_I can’t believe it,_

_I’ve never been this far away from home._


	2. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michelle gets to St. Trinian's. Eggsy meets Mrs. Fritton and Mr. Darcy.

 A cherry red Audi R8 sped along the highway, going about 20 mph over the speed limit. Sighing Officer Brown pulled out from behind the Coco Cola bill board and turned on his lights, picking up his microphone he spoke into it, “Patrol, this is Officer Brown, we’ve got a speeder,” as he filled in what was happening he followed behind the car, with lights flashing, the car didn’t slow down. In fact it sped up.

Suspicious of the lack of respect this vagrant was giving Brown looked for some sign as to who the driver was. But then he saw the bumpersticker. Slamming on his breaks Officer Brown immediately called it in, “Sorry false alarm. 

Patrol’s voice crackled over the speaker “What? Officer Brown, why are you-”

“It’s a St. Trinian’s car.”

The sound of swearing came over from patrol before they cut the connection, Officer Brown turned away taking his car back to the previous look out.

…

Michelle hummed as another of Lily Allen’s songs came up over the stereo. She was approaching the driveway to St. Trinian’s and honestly couldn’t wait to get there. Briefly she thought of calling Mrs. Fritton, to announce her visit, but decided not to, after all surprises were the best kind of gifts. But she probably would need to consider accomodations … she’d worry about it later.

She’d probably worry about a bunch of things later. To stave off the thoughts of her Lee she glanced to the back seat. Nestled next to her Louis Vuitton suit cases was her beautiful boy. Eggsy, who had been travelling for the past ten hours, was fast asleep in the back seat, attached to his state of the art baby carrier. His adorable little mouth was hanging open.

Smiling Michelle looked back front and center, not wanting to give the boys in blue any excuses to chase after her again, even if she would outpace them. After all, this wasn’t just any car. It was a souped up Audi R8, a car which had mysteriously disappeared from MI-5, courtesy of a good friend.

And there was the turn off.

The approach to the school was as lively as usual, the skulls, the burning cars, and the absolute lack of living people. Best way to intimidate.

Michelle smiled and waved to a group of First Years, lying in the grasses in camo gear. They seemed a bit surprised, and a bit angry, that she saw them, but please, she had been causing mayhem and murder before they were even kicked out of normal schools.

Pulling up to the school Michelle turned off the car and got out, elegantly folding herself out. Any other woman would have stumbled out of the car, gravel and stilletos did not mix well, but Michelle was not _any_ woman. Gracefully moving around the car she unbuckled her sleeping angel, who woke up.

“Mummy?” Eggsy drousily asked.

“Shhh, Eggsy,” She hushed, “You can go back to sleep.”

But of course he didn’t, “Are we here?”

“Yes dear.”

“It’s a bit gone.”

They both looked up at the ancient castle and Michelle really had to agree with him, while it was still the lovely building of depravity and danger she remembered some of th windows were cracked, and rain had weathered down some of the stones, the stain glass she remembered was gone. Looking around she noticed that a lot of the estate needed fixing, the she was rusted, the grass needed cutting, and the roses were wilting. In fact, she now remembered that the gate had been quite rusted and the skulls were blackened.

The ancient building looked like it needed some fixing.

Interesting.

Then she responded to her anxious six year old, “I suppose so dear, but maybe we can help with that.”

If she were to offer her help it would allow her to build some proper guest rooms. But Mrs. Fritton was stubborn … She’d have to think on it.

But before any of that happened she’d need to meet Mrs. Fritton, “Come along Eggsy,” and she hoisted her son onto her hip and closed up and locked the door, “Let’s go meet mummy’s Headmistress.”

Michelle wondered if anyone remembered her.

…

“Oh. My. God.” Peaches, Posh Totty queen, spoke and gestured.

“What, what is it?” the second Posh Totty queen, Chelsea, asked.

“That’s Michelle Womack.”

There was a pause, “Oh. My. God.” Chelsea and Chloe spoke and gestured in unison.

…

“Oh my dear, dear girl!”

“Mrs. Fritton!”

Eggsy watched as the pretty lady hugged his mummy, and she hugged back. They had entered the really old and a bit rusty building, and she had asked the younger lady behind the desk to tell Mrs. Fritton that Michelle Womack was here. He supposed that was Mummy’s name. She had set him down on the weird smelling couches (a bit like the drink mummy gave the bad man) of a weird office and then leapt up and hugged the pretty lady who had come down.

“Please, Michelle, call me Camilla, it’s been years since you had to call me Mrs. Fritton!”

Mummy smiled, “Of course Camilla, and don’t say years, we’re not that old!”

The pretty lady turned her head and laughed, and Egssy was entranced.

She had a dog.

A cute dog.

A REALLY cute dog.

Ignoring his mummy and the pretty lady Eggsy got off the couch and ran over to the dog. He immediately began to scratch its ears.

And this brought the adults attention back to him.

“So this is your son?”

“Yes, this is Gary.”

And now Eggsy was grumpy, “Mummy it’s not Gary it’s Eggsy!”

...

Michelle sighed and patted her stubborn son on the head, “Sorry Eggsy,” before she spoke to Camilla, “He liked to be called Eggsy.”

Camilla, was charmed, “How delightful, and where did this name come from?”

She sniffled, gods, “Lee gave him it. Camilla, can we speak?” The ‘in private’ was subtitled.

Instantly Camilla was serious, “Of course, dear girl,” she turned to the secretary who had been staring at them, “Beverly, please take care of young Eggsy while I speak to his mother.” Beverly, Beverly? Ah yes, she was the village girl who used to hang around the Chavs. Not particularly bright, not good enough for the school, but it’s good to see that Camilla is helping the community.

Crouching by Eggsy, Michelle hugged him, “Mummy’s going to go talk to Camilla, okay?”

“You’ll be back.” Oh god please don’t let her son have separation issues because of Lee.

“Of course, be good for Beverly, will you?”

He nods.

“I’ll leave Mr. Darcy down here with him,” Michelle smiled at Camilla, gods, that woman is some kind of saint.

“Thank you, Camilla.”

And Eggsy echoed her, bless him. “Thanks Mrs. Camilla.”

But then there was no more delaying it, she headed up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops i made another chapter ... and a third is in the works!


	3. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michelle and Camilla talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gahhhhhhhh I quit. I can't keep writing and re-writing scenes for this thing, SUICIDE SQUAD is waiting!

Mrs. Fritton led Michelle into the office before bustling off to call for tea with a bottle of vodka on the side. 

Camilla Fritton’s office was much like Michelle remembered it. Grande and old. Camilla’s love of art and painting was obvious in all the renassaince-esque paintings littering the walls, alongside pictures of the different years of girls who had graduated St. Trinian’s. Apart from the few new years of girls and a painting of a crate of oranges the office hadn’t changed much. A beautiful redwood desk sat against the far wall, so it surveyed the rest of the room, and in front of that was a set of matched leather couches surrounding a coffee table.

Even the carpet was the same colour it had been years ago.

It made Michelle almost feel like she was still in school.

But then she looked at Mrs. Fritton’s face, she could see the stress lines and crows-eyes that showed that ten years had passed since Michelle had last seen her during school hours. This revelation also brought into harsh light her own situation.

Seeing the impending waterfall of tears Mrs. Fritton guided Michelle towards the leather chairs (which should, by all logic, be incredibly uncomfortable, but were actually butter soft) and seat her. Before bustling off to answer the door for Beverly, her secretary, carrying a tray with tea cups and a giant bottle of Trinski’s.  

Taking the tray Mrs Fritton moved back to the chairs, taking one across from Michelle, she set it down between them and began serving herself an ample tea with milk and vodka.

“Now dear, I assume you still take your tea watered down with five shots?”

“Yes ma’am.”

Mrs. Fritton gave Michelle a ‘look’, “Dear the name is Camilla, not ma’am.”

Michelle smiled at her, although the look was weak.

Camilla handed her a tea with vodka and armed with her own spoke, “Now, Michelle, please tell me what happened.”

So Michelle began, telling Camilla about how she had met Lee Unwin, and how he had convinced her to marry him.

“I wasn't expecting to marry him; he's an amazing man and I just … I wasn't expecting him. I thought I was going to marry someone posh bloke who would spoil me with cars and jewels. Instead I got this amazing man, who was completely devoted to me.”

“Was?”

Michelle hiccupped on a sob, “Last night, yesterday I mean, some Asshole in a bespoke suit came to our London town house. He died!”

Camilla set down her tea and moved to sit by her and gather her in her arms, “There, there dear, hush.”

She pulled over the box of tissues for Michelle, and she grabbed one, dabbing at her makeup as she spoke. “He died on some mission and they couldn’t tell me about it. I don’t know how he died, Camilla, was he shot? Did he think of me? Did he say anything about me? Or did he not? Did he just die and not think of me or Eggsy or … or…” Michelle was racked by more tears and quieted herself.

Camilla hugged Michelle as she reached for another tissue.

“And now I don’t know what to do! I’ve become a middle-class housewife widow! Eggsy is going to grow up without his dad and I just can’t stand it! I gave up my life for Lee! You know I broke up with a computer billionaire to marry him and now he went and got himself killed and I … I … I LOVED HIM.” More sobs wrenched from her chest, “And I never told him.” Those words are whispered.

“Oh my dear poor girl,” Camilla gently took Michelle’s jaw and made her face the kind older woman, “From what I’ve heard of your Lee he was a practical man, with a good head on his shoulders. He would have known that you loved him.”

“But I didn’t say-”

Camilla hushes her, “Just because you didn’t say it out loud doesn’t mean you ever said it. Just from hearing you speak of him I can tell you were madly in love with him.” Michelle pushes further into Camlla’s hug, “And now that he’s dead you will have to live with that.” More sobs spill forth into the air between them, “You are a strong young woman and you will be able to live with that.”

Michelle slowly nodded, letting go of Camilla when she shooed her hands away.

Camilla stood, “Now come along dear, it’s probably best if you catch some shut eye, you’ve had a long and emotionally traumatizing day and it’d be best if you rested before we made any more decisions.”

“Okay.” Even her voice was weary.

Moving toward the door Michelle stopped, “What about Eggsy? Oh my god! I left him by himself! I should –”

“Dear, Eggsy is being cared for by half the girls in the school I’m quite sure that he is perfectly alright.” Poking her head out the door Camilla shouted, “SUSAN!” and a perky blonde seemed to fold out of the shadows, “Please take Mrs. Unwin here to the spare teachers quarters, she’ll be staying with us for a few days.” And before Michelle could say anything else she was whisked away by the surprisingly strong girl.

Clapping her hands together Camilla moved toward the staircase, so she could evaluate the situation with young Eggsy.

...

And this was how Eggsy and Michelle Unwin came to live at St. Trinian's. Years later, former head girl Kelly Jones would poach young Eggsy right out from under the agency known as 'Kingsmen's noses, allowing the young, brilliant, dangerous boy to work for M.I.7.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god I'M SO SORRY! I just couldn't think of what to add, if someone can give me an idea? But seriously, all that was left was a meandering conversation! I just couldn't think of anything. All my drafts were so UGH.  
> (please don't be mad, I did this so I could keep writing instead of wasting away staring at a story)
> 
> I have an idea: something to do with Kingsman invading St. Trinian's, but I'm horrible at fight scenes!

**Author's Note:**

> Got Michelle's last name from the actress (whose full name is Samantha Womack). 
> 
> Trinski is the name of the Vodka made in the film
> 
> But can you picture Eggsy being raised by St. Trinian's??? Kingsman wouldn't know what hit then (and they - Michelle and Eggsy - would definitely them 'cuz they killed Lee.


End file.
